I started this blog with the promise to myself and my kiddos that I would write something at least once a week. I have failed miserably… Being a mommy is hard work. Even on a good day, I still feel like a headless chicken just running around, never sure of what I will collide with next. I know that as a mommy, no matter how hard you try, you are always hearing that voice. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that sounds like every grade school teacher that you have ever met, and your parents all rolled into one. It’s saying, “YOU CAN DO BETTER!”
I really have come to despise that loud, judgemental voice. Us mommies are only one person!!! I know that my kidlets love me. It shows a few times a day. I just wish there was a way to silence the voice. Some sort of off button or mute button that can be smashed with a hammer and make it go away.
With the birth of every one of my babies, I felt almost selfish. I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted for my kids, what I never had. Full blooded siblings. I love each and every one of my siblings, but we are so far apart in age that it’s hard to find a common ground. Something to bond over. Whether by fate, my subconscious plan, or God’s work, my kids have that bond! I feel guilty for having so many kids that they have to help each other, and am so thankful that they are so sweet, and loving towards each other.
With Colt’s disabilities, I have come to rely on Kitten and Archer a lot for help with our little Cowboy. Colt is a full staff of full-time work all on his own. I use to joke with my hubby that each of our kids needed to be only children. They always seem to need that one thing at the same time for different reasons, ME!!! With health issues, medications, appointments, and broken promises, I curse myself everyday, multiple times a day. Why was I so selfish? Why did I have that desire for more babies? I can’t even begin to answer those questions, but I do know that just looking at them? I wouldn’t miss a minute of my crazy, busy, cuddlebugged life. I am their wacky, scatter-brained mommy, and so thankful for all the extra time and energy used up just trying to be there for them. I’m hoping I will be able to post more often now that things are starting to slow down a tiny bit. At least I can assure Kitten that I am keeping this promise, and taking some small amount of time to write for myself…
Until then, there is an angry six-year old complaining about the fact that because he didn’t eat his dinner, he will just die of starvation without a million and one snacks to get him through til breakfast. Sorry Cowboy. No dinner, no snacks! That will go over well…
cuddlebuggedmommy 